What Is An Enabler Behavior And How To Stop It?

Being an enabler doesn’t mean that someone is a bad person, but it isn’t a healthy thing for either them or the person that they are trying to take care of. While it might feel like you’re helping in the moment, this behavior often makes it harder for the addicted person to change or grow. Enabling behavior is when someone unintentionally supports or encourages another person’s harmful habits or choices. It’s not easy for someone with substance abuse problems to avoid drugs or alcohol. Keeping alcohol or other drugs accessible can make it difficult for someone with an addiction. First is recognizing that you’re contributing to a cycle of enabling.

Lifestyle Quizzes

Encourage independence and encourage them to get professional help for their condition. For example, this might look like constantly paying off the other person’s debts or irresponsible spending habits. Not all experts agree on the amount of stages when it comes to enabling, but some include denial, compliance, control, and crisis. For the enabler, this can be emotionally draining and damaging to their self-esteem. If you know someone who needs professional help, treatment is available.

That is, accept that you’ve played a part in perpetuating unacceptable behaviors in your loved one and make a commitment to breaking the cycle. “When you’re on the inside of an enabling dynamic, most people will think they’re just doing what’s best, that they’re being selfless or virtuous. In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains. When helping becomes a way of avoiding a seemingly inevitable discomfort, it’s a sign that you’ve crossed over into enabling behavior. Often, we think we’re helping others because we want to. But in an enabling relationship, a person who’s used to being enabled will come to expect your help.

Making excuses

• In the innocent enabling stage, a person starts with love and concern for the other person, but they don’t know how to guide or help them.
• It is important for enablers to seek their own professional help alongside their loved one who is struggling with substance abuse.
• The enabler might feel like they’re in control because they’re always needed, but in reality, they’re often being manipulated or taken advantage of.
• Such parents avoid conflict and support their children without setting healthy boundaries.

For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. The enabler might think, “I’m just trying to protect them from losing their job,” but this behavior only allows the problem to persist and delays the need for change. Many enablers grow up in situations where they feel responsible for keeping the peace, solving problems, or making others happy.

Even if you personally disagree with a loved one’s behavior, you might ignore it for any number of reasons. The term “enabler” generally describes someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior. Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial.

It can be very difficult to see a loved one face challenges with substance abuse. A person may want to help but at the same time not know when they need to set a boundary. In the compliance stage, the enabler tries to comply or accommodate the other person’s destructive behaviors. However, enablers can be victims of narcissistic abuse, or people can be enablers to individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Taking on someone else’s responsibilities is another form of enabling behavior. For example, enabling behavior may include providing the school with an excuse so someone can skip class, even if they did because they spent the night drinking. In other words, enabling is directly or indirectly supporting someone else’s unhealthy tendencies. It is difficult to compare an enabler and an abuser because they are two different things. However, enablers usually have good intentions that are misplaced, while abusers are typically trying to gain something over their victims. The behaviors of a codependent person and an enabler can often share similarities, but they are not the same.

People walk all over you, but instead of getting upset, you smile and ask if they’d like to wipe their feet again. An enabler personality is characterized by an overwhelming desire to help others, often at the expense of one’s own well-being. It’s like being a superhero, minus the cape and the ability to fly (though I’m sure many enablers wish they could be in multiple places at once).

An enabler personality encourages or supports someone to do things that should not be allowed. Enable behavior pretends like there’s not a problem, helps people cover their mistakes, or allows them to do things instead of calling them out. An enabler is someone who helps a person suffering from substance abuse issues continue to use drugs and alcohol. They may provide the person with money, housing, or transportation, and make it possible for them to keep characteristics of an enabler using. There’s often no harm in helping out a loved one financially from time to time if your personal finances allow for it.

Enabling a Loved One

When you empower someone, you’re giving them the tools they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges they face. For example, giving them information about mental health professionals in the area that might help. Enabling behavior is often unintentional and stems from a desire to help. In fact, many people who enable others don’t even realize what they’re doing. You may also feel hesitant or fearful of your loved one’s reaction if you confront them, or you could feel they may stop loving you if you stop covering up for them.

• Trauma and past relationships can also contribute to this personality type.
• Your resentment may be directed more toward your loved one, toward the situation, both, or even yourself.
• Her mantra for living life is “What you seek is seeking you”.
• This can mean that they might keep the person from facing the consequences of their actions or resolve the other person’s problems themselves.

Alcohol Rehab

They may not agree to enter treatment right away, so you might have to mention it several times. Working with your own therapist can help you explore positive ways to bring up treatments that are right for your situation. Say your sister continues to leave her kids with you when she goes out. You agree to babysit because you want the kids to be safe, but your babysitting enables her to keep going out. Your teen spends hours each night playing video games instead of taking care of their responsibilities. You fill your evenings with their laundry, cleaning, and other chores to ensure they’ll have something to wear and a clean shower to use in the morning.

Help them celebrate their wins and promote healthy behaviors by doing things that are beneficial for both of you. According to studies, overprotective parenting is defined as a parent being overly restrictive in an attempt to protect their child from potential harm or risk. While this may keep things running smoothly in the short term, it allows the other person to avoid their responsibilities and creates an imbalance in the relationship. They might think, “It’s my job to protect him because we’re family,” but in reality, they’re shielding him from the consequences he needs to face to grow. As an adult, they might enable a brother’s substance use by calling his boss to make excuses when he misses work. Unfortunately, most people don’t have the skillset to navigate things like addiction appropriately.

Signs or characteristics of an enabler

Even though it’s starting to affect your emotional well-being, you even tell yourself it’s not abuse because they’re not really themselves when they’ve been drinking. Your adult child struggles to manage their money and never has enough to pay their rent. Helping them out each month won’t teach them how to manage their money. If you believe your loved one is looking for attention, you might hope ignoring the behavior will remove their incentive to continue. This help is ultimately not helpful, as it usually doesn’t make a problem entirely go away.

Whether it’s from a therapist, a support group, or trusted friends, having a support system can make all the difference. It’s like having a cheering squad as you run a marathon – their encouragement can help you cross the finish line. As we wrap up this journey into the world of enabler personalities, let’s recap what we’ve learned. We’ve explored the characteristics of enablers, delved into the root causes, examined the impact on relationships, and discussed strategies for change. Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict. Learning how to identify the main signs can help you prevent and stop enabling behaviors in your relationships.